LESSONS LEARNED

-- sometimes life throws you a curve ball, you have to be ready for the unexpected.

--Best friends CAN change for the better or for the worse.

--Sometimes YOU CHANGE...and you're just not the same person that you used to be.

--It's better to just move on than to try to FIX people. You can't FIX people.

--Treat others how you would like to be treated. With that being said TREAT YOURSELF how you would treat others, many of us tend to treat others MUCH BETTER than we treat ourselves...GUILTY AS CHARGED.

--Being around DRUGS is not good. Even if you don't PARTICIPATE..stay away.

--You can find happiness in the STRANGEST PLACES...with the strangest groups of people....life is a MYSTERY.

--FOLLOW YOUR BLISS. :)

Friend or Foe....to me or him???

I feel HORRIBLE for what I wrote to Christian because of the circumstances.....I don't wish that fate on anyone...nobody...gah..I can't even IMAGINE. But at the same time....I don't know if I want to associate myself with him....still. I meant most of those things I said. I admit it was BLUNT..and heartless...but all the same, I meant every word. And that's what scares me...I had sooo much hate in my words towards him, essentially after reading that I realized I let him control me...I LET HIM CONTROL THE WAY I LIVE MY LIFE. I LET HIM HAVE THAT ENERGY..that THOUGHT...that..everything. All that wasted effort to hurt him back cuz he hurt me...wasn't doing me ANY GOOD..and it wasn't getting me any closer to my goals. I have many things to do..and tho I sympathize with him and Melody for their loss...and I want to be there for him.....because I was his friend..that's what friend's DO...they stick up for one another, they stay when everyone else checks out...and I have to make a decision here. A very HARD decision....do I protect myself and check out and say that's enough, or do I stay as a " FRIEND"..when essentially I know that most likely the " friend like behavior" will not be returned..do I just accept that I will be treated like crap and be there for somebody...who is just having a hard time in life. ....do I leave myself VUNERABLE to be a good person and be there in his time of need...when I know basically he might back hand me again...??!!! I mean what do I do????

Should I be the better person and be there for him.....but at the same time if I do that I leave myself open to get hurt....or do I just walk away...altho it's cold.....especially after the circumstances....but I guess the BIGGEST QUESTION IS......do I support someone who I considered a friend...and just accept he FUCKED UP...and he didn't MEAN IT...or do I go above and beyond and for once do something selfish...or not even selfish..but self proserving.....and he says he's trying to change ....but then again I've given him SOOO MANY CHANCES....

I'm torn here...between should I be a more of a friend to HIM or MYSELF????!!!

I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on. That's basically what sums up this entire blog. For once it's clear to me what my destiny is, and what it doesn't include. It doesn't include people who feel that....you are not a person, you don't deserve explanations, apologies, or even a response at all. I've realized some people are too self involved to even have the common descency to be a friend. It's amazingly sad that it had to be that way. But like my blog says " That's Life". When it comes down to it, there will be people who are there when your on top, and people who are there when it is "convenient" for them. They aren't "friends", what they are called are oppurtunistic people. I'm really hurt by this, but again...that's life. If that person thinks for ONE SECOND that if I get somewhere in this world with my music that I will even ACKNOWLEDGE this person's existence after this person treated me ....they are sadly mistaken. I will not have oppurtunistic " friends". I will not have friends who when you try to be their friend in their time of need, they push away. I will not have friends who take you for granted as a person with feelings, and feel that they are high and mighty and don't owe any kind of response. Not so much as an apology or a " screw you". At least jerks respond, but what this person did was COLD. And therefore, I'm completely done with this person. I wish them well in all that this person does, but don't expect me to come back and be supportive. What is this person out of their MIND?! Why in the WORLD would I do things for this person...now??? No. I refuse to be made out to be a person begging for their graces, I REFUSE to let them feel like they are doing me  A FAVOR, A FAVOR by trying to see if they are okay....A FAVOR by telling me they are doing alright. A FAVOR ...or a hushed SECRET that they are talking to me. Why is that people are soo very insecure today??? God forbid somebody should want to be friends with somebody without thinking of them in that way. GOD FORBID they should want to be there for their friends, last time I checked it wasn't a CRIME. Then again in the mormon world maybe it is a CRIME. They've got guilt so far stuck up their ass, that if you put a piece up coal up their ass they'd crap a DIAMOND. I have no PROBLEM with the religion, but this CONSTANT GUILT...gah...I can't stand it. I can't be around that constant GUILT, the constant " I'm such a bad person, cuz I made a mistake..." ...gah who can live that way?! I can't even imagine. What a tragedy....that such good people could feel this way about themselves for making a mistake..a humanly mistake...for acting on impulse. To tell you the truth the reason they get themselves in trouble in the first place is because they are tied soo tightly to a leash growing up, when they leave they go BONKERS. And who could blame them? The sad part really is tho that these actions do have consequences, some which...they are really not ready for....and it saddens me to think my "friend" is in such a predicament. But ..THAT'S LIFE.

What I guess saddens me the most is that this "friend" feels by talking to me he could make his fiance jealous. Okay now this statement...I was like..." OH GET OVER YOURSELF". I see this person as MERELY A FRIEND, not in any other way. And honestly that's really SAD that his fiance could be that....INSECURE that she would think a thing like that. And what's even worse is that she wouldn't TRUST HIM. Now tell me that doesn't just make you wonder what kind of a relationship this shall be like????

Whatever who am I to judge right? Therefore all I can do is do things for me. And what I'm doing is the best medicine yet......letting go. Obviously this is a destructive friendship if it must be hidden from his fiance....sshhhh let's keep it a secret...shhh...ya....GO SCREW YOURSELF....you pompous sob. Tell you what go repent.

REPENT THIS FOR ME: FUCK YOU.

That is all.

I AM CHANGING...

I don't hear those same songs anymore on the radio, over and over again...ya know? He is my FRIEND NOW....and it's...pretty awesome. Finally the constant deja vu things have stopped. And...now new things occupy my mind...like...because there is no chance for me and him anymore..AT ALL....now I have no more excuses for doing what I REALLY REALLY WAS MEANT TO DO...there is so much in this life that I have not expirienced...so many adventures I have not explored....so many doors that have not been opened....it's my world for the taking. I just have to know what I want...and I can have it at my fingertips. It's truelly a new thing for me. And now that I've FINALLY MET SOMEONE LIKE ME....who like...thinks the way I do..and wants to make it in music, and is as passionate about music as I am....and wants to go pro.....WE ARE PUSHING EACH OTHER NOW...TO BE STRONG, TO MOVE ON, TO LET GO....to LIFE OUR NEW LIVES FROM SCRATCH....finally I'm gonna be friends with someone who actually WANTS ME TO SUCCEED....who doesn't sabatage me every chance she gets....or either that or doesn't....constantly HAVE TO BE BETTER THAN ME EVERY 5 seconds..she has NOTHING TO PROVE. Since I've really gotten to know Kristen, things have been different. I truelly cherish her friendship, lord knows she's been through soo much the last couple of months, and I respect her soo much for being so brave like she is. We can push each other to be better, push each other to work out, push one another to do the right thing, and what's so great I don't EVER HAVE TO EDIT what I'm REALLY THINKING ABOUT THINGS around her...EVER....she wants me to be COMPLETELY COMPLETELY HONEST AND FORTHRIGHT WITH HER....no exceptions....and...I don't get SNAPPED AT FOR IT...AT ALL..she WANTS to know the truth...no matter how much it hurts. And it's like FINALLY, just someone to be REAL WITH that is a girl...that wants the same things as me. Her friendship has definately been a turning point in my life....:). I can tell her things, and I even feel COMPLETELY COMFORTABLE CRYING IN FRONT OF HER..or over the phone..I don't feel ashamed AT ALL..and she is the EXACT SAME WAY..she never cries like me in front of anyone...same upbringing...where your told to " suck it up"..and stuff...it's refreshing...

But saying all this there is sooo much I want to do in this life...and so much ahead of me, and I feel it in every bone of my body that I'm MEANT to sing, travel the world, meet someone truelly out of this world and get married, do OUTRAGEOUSLY ADVENTOROUS THINGS....things that people dream about...I WILL DO. It's not a possibilty..IT WILL HAPPEN, because I want them to be so.

I'm ready to start my new life..FINALLY REALLY HONESTLY READY...no bs is in the way now, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IS IN MY WAY...Christian is finally....IN NO WAY REACHABLE FOR ME...therefore....I'm letting it go..FINALLY OVER WITH..no more emotional rollercoasters, no more uncertainties, he's.............not in that part of my life anymore. He has moved on with his life and it's about DAMN TIME that I move on too. Instead of constantly thinking about him and his situation or...him and omg poor me blah blah...crying like a stupid baby, I'm now thinking thoughts about traveling to Italy, performing in Tokoyo, going to the Grammy's....singing with BIG STARS....finally LIVING MY DREAMS....the thing I was born ready for...I'm CONSTANTLY THINKING ABOUT THE FUTURE..whereas before I was thinking about the past....

" Thoughts become things".

That is the most TRUE STATEMENT...ITS 100% true.

What you think about most is what is to become in your life.

And now I'm thinking about what I want instead of what I don't want...and what I want is

TRUE HAPPINESS by making it big singing for the rest of my life, traveling to exotic destinations, touring the world, helping those who are less fortunate than I, to write, to explore, to ...LIVE.

I'm awake now.

~kAiT~ :)

Song that came to mind:

Look at me
Look at me
I am changing, tryin' every way I can
I am changing, I'll be better than I am
I'm trying-to find a way to understand
But I need you, I need you-I need a hand

I am changing, seeing everything so clear now
I am changng, I'm gonna start right now, right here
I'm hoping to work it out, and I know that I can
But I need you, I need a hand

All my life I've been a fool
Who said I could do it all alone
How many good friends have I already lost
How many dark nights have I known

Walking down that wrong road, there was nothing I could find
All those years of darkness-can make a person blind
But now I can see

I am changing, tryin every way I can
I am changing, I'll be better than I am
But I need a friend-to help me start all over again,
oh-that would be just fine
I know it's fonna work out this time
'Cause this time I am-This time I am

I am changing, gonna get my life together now
I am changing, yes, I know how
I'm gonna start again, I'm leaving my past behind
I'll change my life-I'll make a vow
And nothing's gonna stop me now...hey

Watching " The Secret" and " What the Bleep do we know" Again...brought something to my attention

I cause these things to happen. Whatever it was that I've thought about caused these things to come to me the way they have. And today is a new day....and time for change...I'm really applying what I've seen to myself...or at least I'm trying my best to do so. I want so many things out of life, and I don't have TIME to worry about others the way I have for these many years. It's time to move on...start a new. And here I am world. And I want sooo much.....I want to " make it big" and  sing on stages from here to Japan and maybe even SPACE....I want to travel the world, and along the way meet someone with some common interests and who adores me, I want to make billions of dollars, and donate money to charities to help cancer patients around the world, I will make a difference....I WILL. I want to learn Gaelic, Italian, Spanish, and Portugese...and maybe even Greek. I want to learn how to cook many ethnic foods for family and friends. I want to learn how to make quilts. I want to take lots of pictures the people and places I see along the way. I want to make a difference in this world not only for myself, but to help so many others who are less fortunate than I.

I want A LOT OF THINGS. And only I can make them happen and it all starts from thought.